rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
