Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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