I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
