my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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