You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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