I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
