6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
