k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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