I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
