My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize