mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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