It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
