new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
