...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
