I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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