I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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