Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
