Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize