I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize