I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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