I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
