Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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