my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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