I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
two words: eviction party
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
