Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
