so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
