just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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