super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
