I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
