I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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