I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
