hotel room ftw
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
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