he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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