I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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