It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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