I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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