this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
