My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
