We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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