dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i think i have two assholes
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
They left me at home... I'm a liability
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
