She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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