I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I think people are normalizing furries
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
