On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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