Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize