My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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