god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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