areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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