remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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