I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My bed smells like the plague
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
