I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
