I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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