In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
