she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
