Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize