I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Your penis caused this!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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