I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize