I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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