i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
