is your mom at the bar?
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
