i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
