If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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