And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
