He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Randomize
