chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
