I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
