So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You've changed since you got that strap on
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