Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
